Tina Fey's Prayer For Her Daughter

First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.

May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the Beauty.

When the Crystal Meth is offered, May she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half And stick with Beer.

Guide her, protect her When crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.

Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance. Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes And not have to wear high heels.What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You, because if I knew, I’d be doing it, Youdammit.

May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers.

Grant her a Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen. Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long, For childhood is short - a Tiger Flower blooming Magenta for one day - And adulthood is long and dry-humping in cars will wait.

O Lord, break the Internet forever, That she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers And the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.

And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, For I will not have that Shit. I will not have it.

And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back.“My mother did this for me once,” she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. “My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental Note to call me.

And she will forget. But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes.

Amen.

Attack plan for the house

Week 1 (April 4-10) Week 2 (April 11-17) Week 3 (April 18-24) Upper floor: Megan's room, Ian's room, linen closet, hall bath, master bath, master bedroom Main floor: Kitchen, dining room, living room Lower floor: Rec room, under the stairs, utility room, bathroom

2011 - The Year of the ACK

The roller coaster...it just keeps on rollin' on. We have a ratified contract on our house, with a settlement date of end of April. Ack. We have bid on a house, but haven't heard anything yet. ACK. Nerves. Stress. Stress. Nerves. And yet. And yet I find myself planning for this still-up-in-the-air, everything-could-still-fall-apart house. I love it. It's got everything we said we wanted (except a fridge, and that's a detail that's easy to add - money + Best Buy = nice cold food). It's got great schools. It is in walking distance to the elementary school (bonus!). It's a better commute. It's got a yard, not just a postage stamp in the front and a deck surrounded by a ruffle of uneven flagstones in the back. It has hardwood floors on the middle level. It has an extra room. It has a two car garage (this is less imprtant to me, but more important to my better half). And for the plans! The house is painted in neutrals right now, which is great for the vast majority of the house but less great for the bedrooms. Megan's room is purple right now, but I'm leaning green in the new house (Disney, Pooh Corner and Christopher Robins Swing). Ian's room will most likely stay blue, although maybe moving toward two ice-blue (Behr 580A-1/2, Icy Bay and Rainsong) walls with one royal blue (Behr, SG570, Sapphire Lace) and one red (Behr, SG170, Licorice Stick) wall. I'm also thinking about trying to do a racing stripe around the room.